Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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