just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
