She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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