I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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