i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
