he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
