Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
