my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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