So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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