nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
