beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
