I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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