i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
