Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
