If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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