Jerry, you need to find god
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
