Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
