How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
