i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
