Already got asked if we're dating
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
