just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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