Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
