Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
