I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
