I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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