ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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