John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
