you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
