I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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