Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
