I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
