if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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