Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
