You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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