Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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