dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The ass gains better be worth it
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