They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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