Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
