I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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