my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
