I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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