Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
