3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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