i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
