My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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