I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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