Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
