I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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