i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
