I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
