worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
