we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
tell me about the eggs
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