So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
