Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
