He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
