im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
