My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we're making bets on your personal life
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
