Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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