My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
