Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
