Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
