i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
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