can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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