my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
